Playing the Infinite Game - Lessons from Simon Sinek
“You can’t win in your marriage,” joked Simon Sinek in front of a crowd at Barnes and Noble in Union Square. “Good luck with that.”
Marriage is an infinite game. It’s something we can’t win or lose. It doesn’t have a defined end point.
The Infinite Game was the topic of Sinek’s book talk I attended last week. He was promoting his new book by the same name.
Many of the games we play are infinite. Our problems arise when we approach infinite games – games where the finish line is arbitrary and you can’t win or lose – as a competitive endeavor.
What is an infinite game?
Take exercise, for example. You can’t win or lose at exercise (unless you’re a Crossfitter).Imagine you set a goal to lose 30 pounds by June 1st. If June 1st comes and you’ve only lost 15 pounds, you’re not a loser. You’re behind.
But you’re behind on an arbitrary deadline you set for yourself.
The exercise and diet habits are something you built. They’re part of your lifestyle. People who play the infinite game know they’re moving in the right direction and are content to keep working. They’re playing the long game.
You can’t win at living. You can simply enjoy it.
“You can have goals,” Sinek explained, “but the lifestyle that gets you to those goals is what matters.”
James Clear makes a similar point in his book, Atomic Habits: successful people are process oriented, not goal oriented.
One more example:
Sinek was excited to tell the audience about his lunch meeting with Jim Carse the day before. He shared a quote from Carse, but he prefaced it with the words, “I’m going to say this, then I’m going to pause because it requires some thought…Belief is where your thinking stops.”
This quote describes the idea of finite versus infinite games. Belief is the point at which you think there is nothing more to know. In your mind, you’ve won the finite game.
The trouble with this lens is it doesn’t allow for development.
It doesn’t promote advancement.
It doesn’t encourage progress.
Players of infinite games have ideas, but their minds are never absolute on any topic. They’re always open to hearing new information and adapting their opinions.
The real value of the night
The talk ended abruptly. Short and sweet, I suppose.
But then the Q&A began, and this is where the value was hiding.
Often, authors present useful theories and observations in their books. But if the reader can’t bridge the gap between the theory and his or her life, the ideas, along with the book, get put on the shelf to collect dust.
During the Q&A, Sinek masterfully connected the dots between his infinite game theory and how it applied to the problems faced by the average person.
The crowd last week was pushing 300, and they brought some excellent questions.
How to stay motivated
One guy raised his hand, stood, and asked, “When you’re playing an infinite game,you’ll find yourself behind at certain points. How do you stay motivated to keep going when you’re behind?”
Sinek responded by saying:
“Too much emphasis is placed on the individual in our society. People do things like yoga and meditation selfishly. Let me give you an example.”
He described a corporate meeting where the lady next to him was holding her phone under the table scrolling social media. The conversation turned to the topic of being present. At this point the lady perked up and said, “I love yoga because it helps me be present.”
He paused for a chuckle and to let the irony sink in.
“That’s not how presence works!” he shouted. “You are not present until somebody else says you are!”
The excitement in Sinek’s voice was a tip off he was about to share something good.
“The reason you practice meditation,” he continued, “is to watch thoughts come into your head, acknowledge them as thoughts, and push them to the side. You don’t meditate for you! You meditate so when you’re having a conversation with a friend, you’re prepared to listen, watch your thoughts come into your head, gently push them aside and refocus - not just wait to respond!”
This long and passionate response wasn’t a tangent. Sinek was framing his answer.
In a society where the pendulum has swung too far toward the individual, Sinek draws his motivation from other people.They give him the courage and the strength to keep going.
When you’re behind, he explained, you’ll be able to keep going if you draw your courage and motivation from others.
Like jumping out of a plane, you don’t draw courage from within. You draw it from the parachute.
A trapeze artist attempting a new act doesn’t draw courage from within – she draws it from the safety net.
A soldier running into battle doesn’t draw courage from within – he draws it from knowing he can count on the guy to his right and the guy to his left.
Draw your motivation from others, from relationships, from knowing you need to do your part because people are counting on you.
That’s how you stay motivated when you’re behind in an infinite game.
How to find the deeper purpose
Another question, which was more of a comment, came from a 13-year-old boy bouncing up and down in the back row.
“My mom and I read your book,” the boy exclaimed, “and I found my why. But I hate school!”
This drew a laugh from the crowd.
“You probably want me to tell you to dropout of school,” Sinek began.
He explained to the boy that the purpose of school isn’t to learn geometry – geometry isn’t necessary. But school teaches you discipline. It teaches you how to give and receive feedback. It teaches you how to interact with other people.
The lessons learned from the books and the curriculum are second to the lessons learned from the act of being in school.
“What else can you learn at school that you don’t realize you can get at school?” Sinek challenged the boy.
You can learn to be a leader.
You can run for an office. Whether you win or lose doesn’t matter, but then you can figure out why you won or lost.
You can help someone who is struggling, or you can be a friend to the new student.
Sinek ended by saying, “You have so much more to learn at school that will make you a good human than geometry. Now,your mom owes me twenty bucks.”
How to play the infinite game at work
“How do you play the infinite game in a consulting or sales job where the environment is so competitive?” asked one woman.
Sinek offered several suggestions:
Become a better salesperson not by beating your co-workers but by learning from them.
Focus on consistency, and don’t worry about short term wins.
Compete only with yourself while learning from others.
It’s natural to feel angry when a co-worker gets promoted and you don’t. But the logic behind this feeling is absurd. You’re getting mad at someone else’s good fortune.
Why?
It’s easier to point out why someone else doesn’t deserve something than it is to identify, examine, and improve upon your own weaknesses.
Removing unnecessary urgency promotes stillness in your life. It’s the same result you can achieve by adopting the infinite game mindset in your career.
So you didn’t get promoted this year. Who cares? You’re not a loser. You’re not a failure. You’re playing an infinite game.
The “finish line” of the promotion is arbitrary. If you simply focus on getting better,the promotion will come, and your career will be better off for your consistent improvement.
Playing the infinite game is also about realizing that, “all of our strengths have liabilities, and all of our weaknesses have opportunities,” said Sinek.
The self confidence that helped you get promoted might hurt you later when it appears as arrogance. The poor subject matter expertise preventing your promotion might lead to you take a and build the skills you lack.
When you’re playing the infinite game, it’s easier to see these facts more clearly.
How to counter poor leadership
Sinek thought he managed to get through a full Q&A without hearing the dreaded question. Until he decided to take one more after the moderator cut him off…
“As a junior employee, how can you change the culture of a team run by a finite minded leader?” asked the final person.
“I always get this question,” Sinek remarked meekly with his head in his hand.
He collected himself and offered a two word answer, “You can’t.”
Then he elaborated, “But you can be the leader you wish you had. You work with other people. What are you doing to make them feel like they matter?”
A powerful question. One we all would be better off for answering.
If you want to learn more about infinite games, pick up a copy of Simon Sinek's book, The Infinite Game.
Special thanks to Alex and Books for reviewing a draft of this article.
